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Aug. 3rd, 2015

dreamy

Just like a commodity

We're getting married in a few more months.

I have always longed for this day, like all young naive girls who read and watched disney cartoons. The happily ever after. In reality, we never know what this 'happily ever after' will be, and how we will make it out to be, but we all fight so hard for it, against whoever tries to tear us apart, or whoever puts additional burdens on us. Now, I'm not so sure about how this plot of mine will turn out.

Life, has always been so brutally honest with me.

Talking about this whole idea of the dowry... I cannot come to terms with it, but I also cannot come to terms with how he comments about it in front of me. I type, with a heavy heart and swirling emotions, which I am not sure any other soon-to-be Singaporean bride feels (I think the situation in Sg affects how this whole scene played out). My mum, has since the day he proposed, talked about taking tables (meaning we pay for the tables and she will keep the red packets), or taking a sum of money from him. Why? According to her, in the past, it's seen to be that the more the groom could offer, the better off he was, hence the status. Then soon her argument just reduced to, "It's just tradition". From what I choose to understand, this act of dowry, is when the bride is being married away, and she will no longer go back to her mother. It's for the mother to cover the expenses of bringing up the bride, signifying that the bride has been brought up by her for this day where she is ready to be bought by another person who will then 'own' her. However, in this day and age, I can pay for my own mother's expenses in the past. Not like in the traditional times, women now work. I can slowly afford this.

So he agreed to pay, but he is so unhappy. Why did he agree then? It's something he feels, should shut my mum up. From what? I cannot phatom. I believe it's his pride of not wanting her to look down on him, and for telling everyone else that he appeased her, but he is highly displeased with her and her values. Though I, like him, disagree with her thoughts, I think he should stop talking about my mother like that. What does this tell about me, when he says something like that? I'm reflective of this behaviour of hers, since I'm a product of hers? He is paying a sum for me, means I myself, have agreed to also elevate myself to this status (something I would never do to myself)? I don't want people to think of me like that, when I am not.

Now I'm stuck. She thinks I side him and he thinks I side her, and all I can think about, is that my very existence in this complex situation, is the fault. I will work harder, to pay off this 8888 bucks, for my own dignity, and my own freedom. No one should put a price to me, nor should anyone pay a price to me. At the same time, no one, should because of a sum of money, be free to make me feel bad about myself or my own background. This will not happen. I will fight for this as one of the hurdles to my happily ever after, and I do hope, I'll be happy. 

Dec. 25th, 2014

A reminder that I'm never first

I no longer hope for people who will put my feelings anywhere near the top anymore.
The people at home, they no longer care. 

Aug. 16th, 2014

Life-changing thoughts

Just when you thought you were so damn sure about your ideas, something hits your nerve and you know, maybe deep down, someone else was right when they opposed you.

Please prove these thoughts otherwise. 

Feb. 15th, 2014

For being so strong.

I really respect all that you have possibly done for the family, and for tolerating.

Though I haven't known you for more than a year, I felt like I knew you, at least from his eyes.:) You sounded like a generous and patient man, full of dignity before you fell ill. & it upset me so much everytime I saw you being treated without enough respect. I'm so sorry I never got the chance to stand up for you, and for not spending enough time with you. I really am. I am even more sorry for the fact that I cannot make it back to send you off for this one last time. I cry every time I see your photo. I can't believe you are gone now. I really cannot. Worse, the people who fake like they really care, but they don't.

I'm just so happy for you that you are in a happier place. You no longer need to be in pain, and you have had so many other years of happier life. I'm glad I met you too. I know that you never did remember me, but it was my pleasure to have met you. Thank you, so much, for all that you have done for him. & never asking for anything from him.

Even though I have lost so many before, I realised it's still painful to lose, anyone at all.

I hope you will rest in peace now. & I will pray that your family will find peace, and that they will love you more, and never forget you. Because, the last few memories of you, will always stay with me no matter what.

Jun. 8th, 2013

CHANGING POINT

This is a point in my life where I choose.

There are some decisions you will never leave to anyone else to make for you because you might have tiny lame ego reasons and dreams that you naively want to fufil:( Good, but bad. I'm lost. I have never felt so lost, and with so many feedback and advice before. Which adult to trust?

I need a decision, soon.

Apr. 22nd, 2013

bye school

I'm almost done

Aug. 27th, 2012

bloom

Be Brave

I never knew I would had to be brave the same way like this again. But all I know is... So long as I do the right thing, people who talk, will talk, but soon, they will stop, because they will figure out that there's nothing wrong about what I decided to do. I will do what I came back to do, and make things right the way I know it should be.


Please give me all the strength I will need to ignore whatever shouldn't matter. 

Apr. 29th, 2012

Happy times

Ahhh can't wait to end in less than 24 hours! C'mon! Mug strong!!!!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Apr. 22nd, 2012

blessings


Because, children are the greatest form of blessings anyone can have:) I guess we are all blessed to have been together. 

Apr. 5th, 2012

患难见真情!

:) Today, I felt that feeling again. I'm so thankful for the zillion wonderful friends I have around. Really. 

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